When I was little I loved watching Disney princess movies. I would dress up in the costumes and fantasize about getting into lots of trouble and being forced to clean things! Or using my super cool magical flying umbrella…to help me take care of other peoples children. Or eating an apple and passing out! Yea, lying still was always really fun.
When I discovered the media’s secret evil plan to brainwash me, I started thinking about the kinds of messages those movies were really sending me. This is what I concluded:
Important Life Lessons, Brought to You By The Disney Princesses:
Cinderella: If the shoe fits–marry rich.
Sleeping Beauty: It’s okay to let guys creep on you while you’re passed out.
Snow White: A man will not be threatened by the fact that you are sleeping with seven other men, as long as those men are midgets.
Jasmine: Don’t start to like him until you find out he has a cool mode of transportation.
The Little Mermaid: You don’t need to be able to talk to get a guy to like you, but you do need a nice set of legs.
Belle: Try not to be too superficial…Because he might just be a hot guy in disguise.
Aw, thanks Disney princesses!
It’s a good thing I also looked up to Batman.
In the super hero movies the men have one goal: Save the world. Not just the hot princesses, but everybody. The whole wide world. Purge the city of crime and evil and some crazy guy who really likes wearing spandex. And then maybe if they have time, give Lois Lane a call. Or Mary Jane, or whatever hard-headed-business-gal-who-just-can’t-stay-out-of-trouble they happen to be obsessing over….Or Robin. I don’t judge.
Anyway, it just seems like in all those movies the hero’s goal is to find trouble, to fix it, to really make a difference, and then to feel bad because they just don’t have time for girls. In all the princess movies the main goal is just to get a guy. To get in trouble and then be rescued by a guy. It’s a whole movie with the main character just sitting around waiting for Batman. The story of Batman is way more interesting than the Cinderella story. Cinderella just sits there and hallucinates about fairies and then gets really excited over a new pair of shoes. Shoes can’t solve all our problems, ladies. That’s why we have prescription medication.
I guess my point is that maybe there’s something to this saving the world thing. But it’s hard when women try to slip on that superhero suit and take on the world, and people just stare at their butts. It’s not our fault we look particularly good in spandex.
So here’s to the wonder women of the world. They could take on Cinderella any day.