I felt something today that I never felt before. I was proud of myself. I am usually so down on myself, and the perfectionism, in addition to the self esteem no being anywhere near room temperature doesn’t help much.
I usually run from confrontation. I am afraid of goodbyes, so I hide. I am an adult, and I fear to stand my ground, lest the ground I stand on give way to an abyss that I “shoulda known” and “whatta loser”– because Gigi should know Gigi will not be liked, will fail, isn’t the best….insert the stupidities.
Today, I decided to stand up and go against fear, and sadness of saying goodbye…I know I am being vague, but I just am, as I am scared that you will all know me suddenly(i fight my battles one at a time)…Suffice it to say, I took a leap of faith…and I fell into G-d’s arms.
As disgustingly sweet as the old Gigi wouldv’e thought that sounded, it’s true. I tried. I am going tonight to face people–most that I care about and care about me, but some that know that I failed at a point in my life. I am going because I choose to be there when people I love achieve greatness.
I sit here crying, you are sitting there, puzzled.
For once, I am proud of me.
Gigi, dealing with this evening one minute at a time….And will work on each fear, even those imagined, will try to battle….
I am happy you guys are reading this–Whomever u are. I feel you are rejoicing with me.
With clammy hands, I leave the house…
Have a splendid night.