You know, sometimes I feel that I am beyond stupid. My heart lunges, leaps–every Olympian feat–u name it, I do it. And then, Ms Sensitivity cries and feels that there is a literal ache in her heart and she can show you where. CRY ME A RIVER. NOT.
I don’t learn from past mistakes. I am sick and tired from my C.S.A. (Chronic Selective Amnesia). I am so thrilled, bouncing into Blogville with vigor and vim(how i hate those two words…)–tell you all my glory, and two days later, I am all phlegmy, bawling into a paper towel (more absorbant than Kleenex) and swearing off relationships forever.
No, new guy that I proposed to didn’t leave me.
Josh just expects me to be PERFECT when I am doing all I can to be perfect…so so perfect….and yet he wants to help me so much tone up???? Okay, Im tall and thin, work out almost every day, eat right–but during a weekend movie, after pointing out a certain anorectic new actress that looked good because she had a boy’s body and chicken cutlets under her patent leather corset, kicking-bum, he whispers “She is so hot”–I am aware. You don’t need to tell me, hon. I’m not bad myself, though. A short while later, while playing with my upper arm, he felt non-Madonna-arms. Okaaaaaaay. so I have stringy arms that arent taut and tight and muscular. I don’t think muscular looks awesome on me. I would rather be tall, lanky, thin and work on my posture….He started on “If you work with weights, your potential would be so much higher….???”
WOAH. HOLD ON. Potential? I may not be Giselle Bundchen, but I look good, Thank Heavens. I work on it. I would be cool using weights and other accoutrements….
Again today, he brought it up…I let him say it and even told him I want him to help me(dont ask…I am a wuss…) at this….
He told me I could completely model if I really worked hard….Um I have modeled in a small capacity….
I am so sad, sitting here, and feeling like a loser…
Oh, he still likes me a lot….
BUT WHY IS HE MAKING ME NOT LIKE ME WHEN I WORKED SO HARD TO LIKE ME????
Is he worth it???Even with his heart of gold, and caring nature–he IS DOING this to help me…But what perfection is he looking for??? The anorexic skeletons of the past stare at me and the dust i fail to see…
Someone please help me here….
Gigi, very lost, sad, but feeling that this guy may be the one…but the one to help self destruct MORE?