I came to the conclusion that if Josh wanted me to dress a certain provocative way….so be it. I would.
Friday found me buying lacy lingerie(???) and wearing a fitted tee, with a bubble skirt, and hot heels.
I called Josh as he hadn’t called me since Wednesday when we had our kinda breakup. Something in his voice seemed…off…and I had a nagging feeling that I should be picking up on something…My gut feelings are usually correct. No–I am not a psychic psycho(okay, psycho maybe=0), but I have always had a bit of intuition–nothing Palm Reader/Tarot Card/Freaky Ouija Board kinda things–Just had a feelingthat something had happened even if I had no idea if it did or didn’t…and it did…Many times I am wrong…
G-D, HOW I WANTED TO BE WRONG ON FRIDAY….
While speaking to J, and missing him an awful lot, even though he is mean to me(but that is all I know, and yes, I took many psychology classes-this is classic.), I blurted out Saturday Night as Friday’s call left me with an unsettling feeling,”Josh, did u sleep with someone?”
There was deafening silence and a pause that seemed to last for eternity when he replied, in shock “Yes. How did you know?”
He was always weirded out how I guessed things…Since I am still a Certified Member Of The “V” Club (Yes, I am a Virgin, and proud of it…I am not frigid though, and not that innocent….), he thought that Wed night when he told me he wasn’t attracted to me, we were over, so Thursday night, he slept with a chick(I guessed who)….The way he said it….His voice was so icy and his language so crude when he described having intercourse with her….it was….I couldn’t breathe….
I felt the tears on my face before I realized it, and couldn’t catch my breath….I did calming breath exercises so as not to have an anxiety attack, G-d Forbid…I kept asking, “But how could u do it to me?” “I care about you so much”, “Was I not enough?”, “Why?” ‘Why to me?”
My breathing was still very labored…and I was lightheaded….He wanted to get back together and start over….
FOR WHAT??? ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER.
FOR HIM TO TELL ME THAT I AM FAT AS A SIZE SIX AND CAN LOSE A LOT MORE WEIGHT IF I TRIED, WHEN HE HAS A GUT?
FOR HIM TO HURT ME AGAIN?
I know many of you are probably thinking I asked for it, because he had been so mean before…I should have just left the relationship…But I crave to give love, and be loved, or whatever that feeling is….
The crass, cruel way he said she satifisfied him.
He went into detail.
I used to boost his self esteem, I don’t know what happened here…
I know what happened here.
I was starving for love, and kept going back to abuse because that’s all I know.
Gigi, alone, even as she reminisces, has trouble breathing….
Why is it so difficult to find pure untainted love?
Why is it the one that gives love–me–that gets thrown to the gutter, laying there in a heap, crying….but will go back if there is a chance for a morsel, a microscopic, infinitestimal chance I might be able to right things again and be loved.
WAIT. IF I CAN’T BREATHE AND I AM SHAKING IN PAIN, IN MOURNING OVER WHAT WAS, WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN, AND THE ULTIMATE COLD BETRAYAL–WAS IT LOVE?
OR IS LOVE A MYTH?
EITHER WAY, I AM OUT OF THE GAME.
PLAY WITHOUT ME. THERE IS TOO MUCH AT STAKE.
Gigi, her heart having taken too many stabs….