While I remain without a job, I have come back here, to JReromatch, as you all are my contemporaries, and I feel in a way, my friends that understand me, I have been helping out different people in politics, diff marketing ideas, and non-profit creative input. I have been spreading myself really thin, and am really worried because I am afraid as I need a job and not knowing what will be wakes me up in middle of the night in a cold sweat, panicky, and unable to catch my breath.
I spoke to a friend today, who is someone I know for years, single guy as well,very sweet guy, lets call him, Martin. When I told him who I help and how many pple I was vollunteering for, and this was while I was on the treadmill, so I was out of breath, he asked me a question that made my heart skip two beats and It took me a few seconds to reply to him….
“Gigi, It’s nice that you are doing all this for so many people and organizations. BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR YOU????”
DEAD SILENCE ENSUED.
I couldn’t answer him.
This is coming from the one that always has an answer.
The question is plaguing my mind, and tormenting my heart…
I CAN’T ANSWER IT BECAUSE I AM SO SCARED…I AM LIVING IN THE MOMENT–NO, I AM LIVING IN THE SECOND…NOTHING IS CONCRETE OR CEMENTED…THIS LIFE OF MINE IS LEGO PISOM AND RASMSES AND IT HAS SUNK BEFORE AND IT CAN SINK AGAIN ANY MOMENT….
Who did I become?
I have no idea?
I am too afraid of life, and too busy battling fears to know who I am.
Now I have a very quiet, rainy weekend to mull that over.