“It was the best of times…It was the worst of times…”–So begins The Tale of Two Cities, as well as my life, which in one day spun like a top that was out of control.
The work situation worstened. The air conditioner put us in Siberia-like temperatures in the office….My bladder gets another few moments of fame. My boss sat me down, and since it’s a family-rrun business told me ai have to stop well, going to the restroom, and laughed that I need a catheter. “Its all coming back to me now”. I am embarrassed to say that I need the money so badly, I have to put up with this…..
And then, someone I clicked with long distance, months ago, arrived from Europe today, as he hadn’t seen his family in aeons…After all the correspondence, hrs long phone calls(calling cards seemed like playing cards)…I met him. And in real life, he is better. His flaws make him that much more real and endearing. He held me, and for the first time in forever I felt so safe…I fit perfectly in his arms. I wanted to stop time.
He is in the USA for a few days, but here and will be going to relatives Wed., and I would love him–we met in a way that could’t have been coincidence…He is living in my heart. I can point the exact place for you…
He makes no sense, I make no sense…Together we make sense.
G-d, are You there? Will you let me taste this feeling and let it disappear, or will u let me feel this feeling that is an ache, so good, so bad, so wonderful, so tragic….
My family, whom I love more than life itself isn’t very touchy-feely. I am. When I was in pain, I would have to ask for a hug. When I was finally offered one, I declined it.
Please, G-d, If he leaves and I am left with a huge black abyss in my heart, don’t let me feel this feeling.
I can’t bear to love and lose. Whatever love means, that is.
Sweet dreams, my sweetie. Tonight you took a sad heart and made it FEEL. You took the shield I build painstakingly around it so that no one could hurt me-and gently removed it, as well as thawed the ice that covered it in its entirety…
Is happinness in my future, or will I be forgotten?
G-d–if he leaves, please be prepared to hold me, because I cannot lose anymore…Catch me when I fall…
Your mute daughter,