Out of everyone in the whole world, my mother knows me best.
She knows my likes, my fears, the way coffee ice cream gives me nightmares if I eat it before bed.
She knows my temper and what will make me lose it. What I value, what I don’t, what to expect when I say “Oh, sure I’ll take out the trash.”
And more importantly what not to expect.
She does not like the guys I date, and is quite convinced that she can do better. The people averse to this, of course, being the guys I date.
“I put you up on some websites, dear.”
“Mom, I have a boyfriend.”
“Right, and he looks like fun, so after he breaks up with you you can meet these nice young gentleman!”
“We’re not breaking up.”
“Look at this one’s profile! He went to Columbia! He’s going to be a doctor. Didn’t you always say you wanted to marry a doctor?”
“No, that was you, Mom. You wanted me to marry a doctor.”
“Oh, right. Well now’s your chance!”
She wanted me to have a matchmaker so she made me a profile on a JRetroMatch, the jewish matchmaking site, and then she signed up for something called Date My Single Kid, which is part of Faboverfifty.com. It’s a site that allows her to act as my personal matchmaker.
This could work because my mother does know me very well, but it might also fail because my mother and I have very different taste in men. I like guys who have kind eyes, like the same music I do, and who watch foreign films without complaining. She likes guys who ask her if she’s my sister.
Only once did I ever agree to date someone my mother set me up with. I called him to hear the four words you never want to hear a 35 year old man say:
“Mom, it’s for me.”
Living with his mother. Maybe I shouldn’t be so judgmental. After all, I lived with my mom once. Maybe this didn’t mean he wasn’t financially stable. Maybe she’s just really good at cooking. Maybe he could move out of the house, into a giant mansion with a pool (most likely), and he just chooses not to because his Mom is a great room mate. Maybe it’s just like a fun Odd Couple situation. I have no idea. But I knew after that I would most likely not be going out with this guy.