Do relationships before marriage yield meaningful insight into our true needs or do they scar our hearts and darken our minds? I have had relationships that brought me down, and though I repaired recovered nicely, I remain strapped with the memories of anger and pain unavoidably associated with my love life. I do not know if these experiences have made me smarter and tougher or if they have hindered my ability to be emotionally available. If what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, why are war victims traumatized? If what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, why do beaten children go on to beat their own children? It seems that the consequences of pain linger long after the fact.
I do not want to be a broken commodity; but I am not ready to be married. I do not feel like waiting for companionship and intimacy until I settle down, even though I know the meantime relationships that fill this time will invariably end. The consequences of terminated love are self-evident. And indefinite ending gives way to definite heartbreak. I cannot for the life of me decide if it is worth it.