He never said goodbye.
My heart is crying.
He never said goodbye.
My heart is crying.
After two nights ago’s Utopia, safe in someone’s arms, he wanted to bid me goodbye tonightm as he is going to another part of US and then back to Europe. I can’t say goodbye, and told him that, so he said that he won’t say the actual word.
Why make me love him more right before he amputates? He was never a part of me to amputate, but I am so starved for love, I made him a part of me. I highly doubt it’s an emotional goodbye he would like to give me…Is it a good makeout session? Is that what it boils down to? I worked a ten hour day, transportaion was three hours, as the thunderstorms caused delays.
As I type, I am changing into my nightshirt. I am not staying made-up for him. He has been cruel to me, but I took him back. I would be a pathetic loser to have him come over–and he can’t come HERE as I live with the people that conceived me and they are light sleepers–noway.
If he wanted to hug me, hold me…I would just have a gut feeling…I know him well enough to know it’s not going to be that. I am not doing this. I would rather be alone. I am very attracted, and stimulated by him, as well as feel safe with him–but walking into his arms would be walking KNOWINGLY INTO AN ENEMY’S TRAP.
Trap=Part….To Part Or Be Trapped? Anagrams…Intriguing…
I would rather everyone take three steps back and explain to me why I never was loved properly.
Preparing to be numb again.
Don’t touch me. Don’t get close.
Gigi, Fenced in Safely
I am a good kisser. I know it. I am not conceited. I just…can gauge a reaction from a male when I kiss them, and I um…know I am very good. I don’t kiss anyone though. It’s an intimate thing. Very. There are also those terrifying kissers:
The Saliva Kisser–So much saliva from him to you(Hey guys, don’t kill me here. I never kissed a girl that way, so I am sure it goes both ways.), you feel you are SS(Swapping Saliva).
The Tongue Searcher– The guy that sticks his tongue all the way down to your esophagus as if searching????
The KKK(Klueless Kisser Katastrophe)–It’s Junior High all over again. How can u spell Deja Vous? He kisses you and freezes, like a statue, in that kiss position. He’s new at dating. Former Urkel type–Pocket Protector, High Water Pants, Now on Forbes 500. Why not give him a chance? Well, you have better luck with the Lottery. He is frozen, almost like a statue, eyes closed, ur eyes bulging out of your sockets, and wish you can send an S.O.S. to the Usher, or that annoying teen that is throwing popcorn and Nibs on the back of all his friends craniums.
THE BAD BREATH SMOOCHEROO–The worst. Listerine strips? A toothbrush? Even soap? The dude’s mouth smells like what u imagine the NYC Sewer smells like(No, I am not mean…There is a bit of hyperbole here, hon–but this is very real(and I see you nodding, some of my homies–I do not stand/sit/crouch alone). He has an affinity for onions. Healthy. –FOR LOSING FRIENDS. Come on–A tip. Breathe on your sleeve–if sleeve smells, brush, floss, MOUTHWASH–and gargle for a minute! Or BINACA! Please! Save us from dying of noxious fumes!!!
The Groper–You were waiting to see a movie for months, he takes you, gropes away in the dark, blocks ur line of vision, u can’t see the movie, and he kisses you in one of the way listed above. You wan’t to throw an XXXL Tub of Buttered Popcorn Over His Head, call your girlfriend, go eat Uncle Louie G Lemon Ices, (brush teeth before an insane amount of times, OCD Listerine, and come up with the utterly ingenious idea of Purell that is EDIBLE. Yeah.
The guy I really like…He kissed me…Really well…Guess we r both in sync…But he held me, and he kissed me on my forehead too. That was the best kiss of all.
THE MOST INTIMATE THING HE DID, AND NO ONE EVER DID WITH ME??? FORGET A KISS. HE HELD MY HAND. Now THAT IS THE ZENITH OF INTIMACY.
And he leaves tonight.
In a not fair Verona, two star-crossed lovers meet….
I cannot have a tragic or painful ending.
I accept fate, but there is a certain amount we can do. We cannot sit and think G-d is going to take care of it. Oh, He is The One In The Know–But we have to do what we have to do.
And if it means, visiting him miles and miles away, on a far away continent that he lives, so be it.
Oh, but the job
The job is hellish.
Gruesome details another time.
XOXOXOX(No Saliva, Bad Breath or AA Batteries included),
“It was the best of times…It was the worst of times…”–So begins The Tale of Two Cities, as well as my life, which in one day spun like a top that was out of control.
The work situation worstened. The air conditioner put us in Siberia-like temperatures in the office….My bladder gets another few moments of fame. My boss sat me down, and since it’s a family-rrun business told me ai have to stop well, going to the restroom, and laughed that I need a catheter. “Its all coming back to me now”. I am embarrassed to say that I need the money so badly, I have to put up with this…..
And then, someone I clicked with long distance, months ago, arrived from Europe today, as he hadn’t seen his family in aeons…After all the correspondence, hrs long phone calls(calling cards seemed like playing cards)…I met him. And in real life, he is better. His flaws make him that much more real and endearing. He held me, and for the first time in forever I felt so safe…I fit perfectly in his arms. I wanted to stop time.
He is in the USA for a few days, but here and will be going to relatives Wed., and I would love him–we met in a way that could’t have been coincidence…He is living in my heart. I can point the exact place for you…
He makes no sense, I make no sense…Together we make sense.
G-d, are You there? Will you let me taste this feeling and let it disappear, or will u let me feel this feeling that is an ache, so good, so bad, so wonderful, so tragic….
My family, whom I love more than life itself isn’t very touchy-feely. I am. When I was in pain, I would have to ask for a hug. When I was finally offered one, I declined it.
Please, G-d, If he leaves and I am left with a huge black abyss in my heart, don’t let me feel this feeling.
I can’t bear to love and lose. Whatever love means, that is.
Sweet dreams, my sweetie. Tonight you took a sad heart and made it FEEL. You took the shield I build painstakingly around it so that no one could hurt me-and gently removed it, as well as thawed the ice that covered it in its entirety…
Is happinness in my future, or will I be forgotten?
G-d–if he leaves, please be prepared to hold me, because I cannot lose anymore…Catch me when I fall…
Your mute daughter,
You care. I don’t know why. Please don’t run away. This is what I do to sabotage relationships that m kay have potential.
Relationships are so scary. What if I wake up one day, and the bed near me is empty–my husband found someone prettier and thinner and younger???
This is rooted in the abandonment of the alpha male in my life–my father. He really knew how to put me down…So many years of convincing me I was nothing, would never be anything, would never be loved, or wanted…
The self fulfilling prophecy….
The years of therapy….
Can you be here for me while I heal…just because???
Gigi–refusing to look behind, and hoping that you will be around to watch me walk, even if the steps are so infinitestimal, you won’t notice them, or even if I fall….I WILL get up. I believe I can do this. I think. I do.
From what you have read abt me so far, what do you think?
Gigi, waiting for a reply–even one–of support, and yes, honesty.
Yes, I know Mathematics isn’t my strongest point(except for counting calories, fat grams, etc…), and I know there are Ten Commandments–The movie clearly showed ten, as far as I remember…but hey, the memory is one of many things going these days.
Let me focus on one particular commandment: “Thou Shalt Not Lie”(I believe attorneys think there is a post script that is invisible to the non lawyer eye that excludes them from the equation. Wow. I made so many enemies now. Down boys and girls! I am kidding….)
I am afraid of you all. Well, not in the way you think, but there are so many things I want to tell you, and I feel I can’t, lest one of you know me, even if all names are changed. This is a blog, and it can be funnier, and crazier….But what if even of of you figure out who I am, some modern day Nancy Drew or Hardy Boy(no lewd jokes intended)….I still need to get married, build my life bit by bit…Something you all are privy to.
Just curious–why do you care about me anyway? You don’t even know me.
Maybe I am a pathological liar.
Why care for a total stranger? Why read this crap?
WHY DON’T YOU RUN AWAY THE SAME WAY EVERYONE THAT LOVES ME EVENTUALLY DOES???
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